Lynnellen:
Well, it looks like letters will now be the only way we communicate from now on since Dan and I disabled the text messaging feature on our phones and you don’t do email, so I am going to write you a printed letter today.
I found some very long letters that Mom and Daddy wrote one another when they were young when we packed up things at the Larkspur house. It is a shame people don’t write letters like that anymore. I learned so much about them that I did not know from those letters. Did you know they had pet names for one another? (Google and Googlely!). Did you know that mom was worried I had TB? The letters were written before you were born and were very detailed. It was hard to read Daddy’s writing. Mom and Daddy were so much in love!
I wish this letter could be like one of Daddy’s and Mom’s long letters to one another that just shares news of all the things going on in my life and in my family’s life, but instead, this time at least, is about serious and difficult things that are going on in my heart or mind.
Your birthday
When I was briefly in Long Beach, I unsuccessfully tried to reach out to you on your birthday, on the day after, and then at least a couple times before I left. I thought perhaps things could improve between us if we saw one another face to face or talked on the phone. That did not happen.
Nevertheless…..
I hope you enjoyed the chocolate cupcake we left in your mailbox the day after your birthday. We tried to bring you a cheeseburger and fries on your actual birthday, but you didn’t answer the door, so we didn’t leave that, but I wanted to at least try to give you something on your birthday. It just seemed wrong to be in Long Beach and not wish you Happy Birthday somehow.
No more texts
One of the reasons we disabled our text messaging feature on our phones is that we believe that text messaging caused my relationship with you and Billy to crumble. Texting is for simple notes like “I’m running late” or “See you soon.” Texting is not meant for serious communication. I will never use it again. It can destroy. It has caused damage.
Sister relationship
Maybe time will change things, but I’ve done a lot of thinking about our relationship as sisters. I’ve told you before the when I saw Joel do Frozen for Disney On Ice, I related to the scene where Elsa shuts her fun and loving sister Anna out. Elsa asked her sister to go away. You have told me you are a private person who likes to be alone and yes, more than once, when Daddy and I knocked on your door, you told us to go away like the fictional Elsa did. More than once, you have not answered the door or phone.
It may be best, like the story of Jacob and Esau in the Torah, to meet face to face and then go our separate ways. That is one of the reasons I wanted to see you when I was in Long Beach.
Summary of the Jacob and Esau story from the Torah
I don’t know if you are familiar with the story of Jacob and Esau, but it really has had an impact on me not only with my relationship with you and Billy, but with other people I’ve been close to in my life. The story has taught me so much about reconciliation, but also about moving on.
The story goes like this: Jacob and Esau were fraternal twins. They were the children of Isaac and the grandchildren of Abraham. Their mother was Rebekah. Rebekah favored Jacob.
In the days of the Torah, the eldest son was to be given a blessing by Isaac, but with his mother Rebekah’s help, Jacob tricked the old and dying and blind Isaac into blessing him instead of Esau. This was such a serious offense that it caused Esau to be extremely angry. He wanted to kill Jacob! Jacob had to flee and go to another place and begin a new life. He never saw his father again.
Many, many years passed. Both brothers had many wives and children and became very prosperous. Jacob returned to his homeland eventually. He learned that Esau was going to meet him with an army of men. He was afraid of what Esau might do. When they finally met, the two brothers united, hugged, and then went their separate ways. All was good but never the same. They knew they were brothers and needed to have some sort of reconciliation.
Sibling relationships in the Torah
Even before Daddy died, I’d been studying other stories of sibling interactions in the Torah since I’d been bothered about how you and Billy had begun to monitor how I took care of Daddy and how I spent his funds on him. Neither of you had done that before and I wanted to understand what was happening. Something did not feel right to me, so studying stories from the Torah about siblings helped me understand your’s and Billy’s motivation at the time. We all had the same parents which connected us. That became important to me and I was determined to keep you and Billy up to date on Daddy. That is why I sent updates and photos. I had no idea that sometimes you did not want those family updates.
Joseph and His Brothers – A Story of Forgiveness
Through those studies, I learned that the only siblings in the Torah that really ever truly forgave one another were Joseph and his brothers. I’m sure you know the story: Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery and told their father Jacob that he had been killed by wolves. Years passed. When there was a famine in the land, the brothers came to Egypt to get food. Joseph had been elevated to be second in command in Egypt. His brothers did not recognize him. He put them through a test and when he realized they were truly sorry for selling him into slavery, he forgave them and told them he was their brother. It is a true story of forgiveness. They were family and needed one another.
Joseph never returned to his homeland, but Jacob and the brothers and their families came to live in Egypt. Jospeh and his wife and children got to know his brothers then and they were able to be with Jacob during his last days.
We are connected because of our parents
Like the stories in the Torah, we are connected because we had a father that loved us so very much. He would not want there to be any conflict between us and he would do anything for his children and grandchildren. He was so much like Jacob: Daddy was a strong and very intelligent man that loved without asking for anything in return. I feel so fortunate that me and my kids and Dan could give him the love he needed until the day he died.
Losing Long Beach
I had no idea that our October-November 2021 trip to the Long Beach condo would be my last trip there to the place that had become my second home, but I had the feeling that you and your family, especially Drew, did not really want to share the condo with me and Daddy and my family anymore. When Drew brought my bike back, he seemed annoyed. He told me my bikes and scooters took up too much room and I could tell he didn’t approve of the way we moved the furniture. He told me that the way I set up the dining table with the new tablecloth I bought took up too much space too. I thought the way we set up the furniture would make you and your family happy, but I was told that was not the case. It seemed like we were in the way and not really welcome there but tolerated because Daddy needed to be in Long Beach to see you. That caused me to wonder if we would still be able to use the condo, but I tried to not think about it during the October-November trip. I worked hard to set up the condo the way I thought you would like it on the morning of November 18 just before our flight.
Long Beach is full of so many wonderful memories now. Long Beach became a place where Daddy and I were part of the Jewish community there. It became the place where I would bike or scooter for hours. Daddy would patiently wait for me to return after my bike and scooter rides looking forward to our dinner together. It became the place where Daddy would go down to the dock with me and sit by the pool while I kayaked. (He anxiously waited for me while I kayaked since he was concerned about my safety and he even helped me get the kayaks to the water and put them away when he was able to help.) Long Beach became a place where I would scooter all over Belmont Shore. It became a place where I’d drive down the coast with Daddy and take him to Seal Beach, Huntington Beach, and Newport Beach to meet friends. It was the base where we could stay at, but venture to San Diego or Santa Barbara to see his cousins. It was where Marion could visit me. It truly was our second home and even more of a home than Colorado was.
Long Beach and the condo have been suddenly ripped away with Daddy’s death. I just didn’t anticipate or comprehend that would occur.
No closure yet
It was really hard for me to be back in Long Beach on this recent trip there. I did not experience the closure I needed. The one week Billy and you gave me to stay in the condo would not have been enough, so that is why we stayed with friends in Belmont Shore who will allow us to stay again. I will have to go back at least one or two or three more times, so perhaps we can see each other face to face then.
Dan’s Mom
We also need to keep going to Long Beach so we can spend time with Dan’s mom. She is not doing well at all. We wonder how much longer she will live. Once she is gone, there probably will be no reason to return to Long Beach, but we are grateful that our friends will let us stay at their house since there is not room for me at Dan’s mom’s home anymore. Her care is overwhelming for Dan’s brother Mike and Dan’s sister Sandy. They are 78 and 79 years old. Sandy will turn 80 in July and is not doing all that well physically. I relate to her so much, because her whole life is dedicated to Dan’s mom now just like I dedicated my life to Daddy until the day he died.
Cody
Even though I never saw you or talked to you on the phone while I was in Long Beach for the short trip I took there around your birthday, it was good to see Gage and Cody. I gave them more than one hug. Cody is such a kind soul, but he seemed very stressed out because he needs to work so hard. I hope that whatever he needs to do to be happy can happen for him. He seemed uncertain. He is such a good father. I can tell. Gage is such a sweet kid.
The condo
It was disappointing that Cody didn’t have time to straighten up the condo at all before Dan and I came to get our things, but he did help Dan get the huge very valuable carpet out. That carpet cost Daddy $3500 to $4000 dollars. I was there when Darlene helped to pick it out. I tried to straighten up a bit for Cody as we sorted through dirty laundry and trash that was left all over the floor and in the bathrooms. I’d never seen the condo that messy, so it was a bit of a shock to see it in that condition. Cody says that Aiden was/is allergic to the condo, so we understood that was the reason that so much stuff was on the floor since he was trying to make it possible for Aiden to breathe. He’d even pulled the drapes off the window and bedding was piled on the floors mixed with trash and dirty clothes. He’d used up all the trash bags I’d purchased, so there were no trash bags to drop the trash down the chutes at the end of the hall, so trash had accumulated.
Your Grandkids and Cody
I have thought a lot about my relationship with Cody. It was important to me to take the time to get to know Cody’s kids during all the trips Daddy and I took to Long Beach. I am so very glad and grateful that we did that since I believe the kids won’t forget their Great-Grandpa. I also loved skating with Cody and the kids! Tiffany was wonderful to get to know too. I hope I can continue to be the great-aunt that your grandchildren will remember that took them ice skating, scootering, out for ice cream, etc. It was so fun giving them birthday celebrations with you too. I’d still like to take them skiing, so maybe someday they can come to Colorado or Idaho.
Cori
I also am so happy that Cori and her dog Cooper and I got together with Daddy during this past year. She is such a sweet girl. What she shared at Daddy’s Zoom memorial service was so meaningful and wonderful. It was fun to go to the dog beach with her and Cooper too!
Drew
I hope that the awkward feeling I have around Drew can be healed. I know that he is such a caring son to you. I am glad he spoke at Daddy’s Zoom memorial service too. I have been afraid to reach out to him since I am scared of him now. He seemed annoyed with me quite a few times in the past year or two.
I really want our relationship to heal though even if it is just hugging and then going our separate ways like Jacob and Esau. Of course I would want him to rent the condo for $2000 a month as long as we can heal our relationship. Please encourage him to call me. Maybe he does not feel calling me is necessary, but if I could just hear his voice and be assured we are on good terms, I’d feel so much better.
Your physical health
I hope you are doing okay physically. I imagine the treatments are very hard. I wish Daddy had been more aware so he would have been able to help you.
Temple Israel
Did the care basket ever arrive from Temple Israel? If not, no worries, since they delivered a care package to Dan. It included challah, wine, a Yahrzeit memory candle and matches for Daddy. A similar candle was at the condo for Mom. I guess you must have taken it. The care package also included some rocks to put on his grave and a card. It meant so much to me and Dan and the kids to receive that gift. Temple Israel truly has become like our family in Long Beach and I’m so glad they care so much about me and Daddy.
The temple is one of the reasons I need to go back to Long Beach since Daddy and I had so many friends there. I would arrange our trips to Long Beach around the events I wanted to take Daddy to at Temple Israel. On his last visit to the temple in November, Joel and I found him looking at the photos on the memory wall there searching for his confirmation class photo. Did you know his grandmother Esther’s photo is on that wall?
Me
I want to update you on how I am doing. The days and nights vary. I cry out of the blue at times and have trouble sleeping when I think about Daddy, but if I do something fun, I’m always happy. Skiing is one thing that gives me tremendous delight so I’ve done that as much as I can. Our dog Duchess also gives me so much happiness. I skated at Paramount again during this past trip to Long Beach and saw and spent time with the Paramount adult skaters that made Daddy and I so happy again. It was strange going with them to that Carl’s Junior after skating in Paramount without Daddy and not getting you the cheeseburger and fries before we headed back to Belmont Shore.
There is an emptiness in my heart and soul since Daddy for a time perhaps had become closer to me than Dan during the past seven or eight years. We were constantly together. We were each other’s companions. Every detail of Daddy’s day was a part of my day. It is very hard to not have him there to wake up, lay out his clothes, wash his clothes, clean up after, make his meals, take him for outings, or take him out to meals. Even though he did very little talking in the last year of his life, just seeing him smile every day and kiss me is so hard for me to not have now. He was so good physically that I just had no idea that he would be gone so soon.
I have not gotten over the thought that you and Billy at first blamed me for causing Daddy’s quick decline. I have tried, but I keep thinking of what I should of or could have done. Alzheimer’s is an awful disease. As I saw Daddy how tired Daddy was in October and November, I had no idea it was not Alzheimer’s since in the final stages of Alzheimer’s individuals are supposed to sleep excessively. And…I really thought he’d only caught my cold on the day you wanted me to take him to the urgent care. I was so, so sick myself that day and when they advised me to just let him rest since I was so sick and wouldn’t be allowed at the urgent care, I did what they suggested.
Lost more than just Daddy
No one in my family anticipated we’d lose the life we had with Daddy so quickly. We did not understand the division of assets and probate. We truly believed that Daddy wished for all of us to enjoy both the Larkspur house and the Long Beach condo for the rest of our lives. In such a short time, we have lost more than just Daddy. It’s been so hard.
It is painful to think we can no longer spend nights with Daddy at the Larkspur house or go out to dinner with him. Going to Long Beach and staying in the condo with Daddy was fun for us too. We will so much miss going to the dock and using the kayaks which you inspired us to use. Thank you for encouraging me to kayak since that gave me so much joy. I think of you every time I kayak in fact!
Bye for now
I’d love to tell you all the other things I’ve been doing, but maybe I can do that in another letter.
Bye for now and more later…. I will write again.
JO ANN
