Dear Daddy

February 8, 2022

Dear Daddy:

You died eight weeks ago yesterday.  I miss you so much.  

I had no idea that losing you would take away the life I created with you.  I was your companion.  It seemed I was closer to you than I was with my own husband. I lived my life for you during the past eight years.  I loved taking care of you and seeing you every day.  I miss putting out your clothes and washing them, making you food, making your bed, talking to you, eating meals with you, and just having you there.  I miss seeing you watching Turner Classic Movies on television.  I miss your kisses.  

My brother Billy has handled your financial affairs for about seven or eight years.   I had no idea that his control of your financial issues would cause so much anguish for me.  He talked me into signing over my rights as one of the executors of your estate.  Billy told me that if he took on the job as the executor of the estate it would make things easier on everyone. Did I make a mistake doing that?  I think I did since now I feel bossed around and so hurt. 

And…Billy’s wife Amy even unfriended me on Facebook!  That made me cry so hard.  It’s like I have no extended family now to mourn your loss with.  

Daddy, I don’t believe you would have wanted me to experience so much sadness and hurt from Billy and Lynnellen.

I may have been clueless, but I really may have lived in a dream world, but I just had no idea that when you died that it would feel like my siblings were only interested in dividing your assets.  They don’t want to be loving siblings at all.  They don’t want to be there for me as I mourn losing you. 

Only two days after you died, I received a call from Billy that the insurance on the cars you owned needed to be paid.  I was told that the cars that would be designated to me had insurance policies that now needed to be paid by me.  So, now I am paying for all the car insurance on your cars.  My monthly insurance payments have gone up from $177 to over $500!

When the car in Long Beach, California was brought up, I was told that my sister (who never ever wanted to drive that car or even turn it on) would take on the insurance payment since the car would eventually go to her.  All of a sudden she wanted that car!  

Well, it turns out I own all your cars since you signed a survivorship form on the cars when I took you to the Colorado Department of Revenue to make it easier to get the stickers for registration each year.  It helped avoid having to get emissions checks in Douglas County since our house is in El Paso County.  

I would have gladly surrendered a car to Lynnellen, but she demanded that Billy take your Lexus to his house and keep it from us since she wanted it.  Now the Lexus has a damaged tire, so all the tires need to be replaced and since I have to pay for the tires I am just going to keep the Lexus, your JEEP, and your Nissan that is in California since my siblings don’t want to share these insurance payments and I am now the owners of all these cars.  The insurance payments are so high, so if I waited for your estate to close, I would have paid the equivalent of a new car as the insurance payments add up.  When Billy found out I owned the cars, he told me I had been sneaky and selfish to take you to the DMV in Colorado and get that paperwork done.  I had no idea at the time that I had been sneaky or selfish.

On the day Billy called, two days after your death, I told Billy that I still wanted to drive the car in Long Beach when I went to stay in the family’s condo in Long Beach.  Then…Billy explained that that condo and that the Larkspur family house in Colorado that had given us so many years of happiness also had to be sold!  He explained that these properties were just too expensive to maintain and keep.

At first he thought we might have enough money to purchase the Larkspur house if we sold our own house and the condo in Colorado Springs, but then he explained we’d have to pay him a third of the sale and my sister Lynnellen a third of the sale.  He suggested too that we ask a relative of Dan’s for financial help or a loan to purchase the house, but when I asked my cousin Luci who is related to us on the Ragin-Schneider side, he told me he was so embarrassed.  I apologized to Luci for Billy.  I really thought Billy wanted me to ask a relative about helping, but he didn’t want it to be a relative he was related to, but one of my husband Dan’s relatives or friends. 

The shock of hearing this news that we would lose both the Larkspur house and the Long Beach condo where I have spent the past eight years caring for you pretty much killed my soul.  Both of those homes gave me, you, and my family so much happiness.  We have so many wonderful memories that were created there with you and I’m grateful for those memories.  I was grieving so hard for you Daddy and I found out suddenly that the life I had created for me and you would no longer exist!  It’s been devastating.  I am trying my best to move forward and cope, but it has been so, so  hard.  Some days it seems impossible.

Daddy, I don’t know how I had the strength to do your Zoom Memorial service on December 22, 2021 after learning about these additional losses.  Just knowing all of this so soon after your death, made not just me, but my whole family so, so sad!   Your Zoom memorial was beautiful though even though my sister Lynnellen refused to go to the Zoom service. I am so glad the service was recorded so your memory is there forever.

I was told that on January 20, 2022 you would be put to rest at Forest Lawn in the crypt you bought for you and mom in the Jewish section with your parents, brother, and aunts and uncles.  I was told there would be no ceremony and you’d just be put inside.  At first I didn’t want to go, but changed my mind.  When I asked Lynnellen about going since it occurred to me that it might be the last time Billy, Lynnellen, and I would ever be together, she stated (via text) that she didn’t want to see anyone so I decided not to go after all.  Then, after January 20,  I found out that everyone in the family was there except me and my family!   I mean Lynnellen was there with all her children, her children’s significant others, and her grandchildren,   And…I just thought Billy was coming, but his wife Amy and his children were there too.  There was a gorgeous coffin and flowers.  After the beautiful ceremony where the family shared their memories of you, Drew entertained Billy’s family at Lake San Marcos for the weekend and gave them a gondola ride of course. 

I was shocked that essentially my family who took care of you for so long was excluded from your graveside ceremony!  Funerals are not about the dead, but the living and I needed to be with my family for closure.  I will never forgive my siblings for excluding me from your funeral Daddy.  My heart is aching and is broken.

Then there is Lynnellen.  She has had not one voice conversation with me since you died.  Not one!  This hurts so much.  It seems that when she did talk to me before you died it was only to talk to you.  I only heard from her via text and after I sent her a photo that I thought was so beautiful of you and me at Forest Lawn where you are now laid to rest, she was so bothered by what I thought was beautiful, that her texts almost completely stopped.  When I texted her to ask about her silence thinking perhaps she had made a decision to completely cut off communication,  I received a reply that I’m sure was written by Billy telling me I was being too dramatic.

The previous business like group texts I received from both Lynnellen and Billy seemed like I was being ganged up on, so I told Billy I would no longer participate in those group texts.  Daddy, you never understood texting, but texting is not made to attack people.  Texts should be for short notes like “I’m running late.”  Instead, they’ve been used to attack and hurt me.  Billy keeps making comparisons and says things like “I would never do this.”  “My children would not do this.”  “Dad would be mortified.” “You must do this and that!”  “You will participate in this conversation and not decide when you want to participate.”  It is horrible, Daddy.

I closed a bank account that had my money in it but also had your name on it.  By doing that, Billy told me that all my financial affairs would now we watched closely.  He even told me that Wells Fargo had flagged me.  I contacted Wells Fargo and nothing like that has occurred.  

Billy also insisted I keep no more secrets from him and Lynnellen.  What secrets have I kept?  Is it their business where I am and what I do?

Because the texts from Lynnellen and Billy have hurt so much, Dan and I have now disabled texting on our phones completely.  Unless Lynnellen wishes to talk to me on the phone it looks like communication with her has completely ceased.  I told her about the gifts I had previously bought her and cards I had sent, and she said, “Don’t send me gifts.  Why would I want anything from you!”

Also, there’s the Long Beach condo.  I had no idea I would not again be able to use it.  Lynnellen’s son Cody is staying there right now and even when I suggested I could share it with him so that I could go back to Long Beach, I was told absolutely not by Lynnellen (in a text Billy wrote for her).  She has taken over your condo for her family.  I remember telling you that would happen when you bought it, but I am glad you and I and my family had so many wonderful times there before you died.  

Then, Billy tells me in a text and in an email that he will allow me to go to the Long Beach condo for one week to get some closure and get my things and demanded I choose a week.  He said whatever I take out of that condo must be documented.  I’ve been told Lynnellen’s son Drew will rent the condo for $2000 a month starting April 1, 2022.  When I questioned his rental rate, I was told (via text) that I was greedy and that Billy and Amy and Lynnellen would do anything for my children.  That doesn’t seem true to me.  Also, is the rental about helping the estate or helping Drew?  All I want is for Drew to be nice to me and of course I’d approve this.  In recent months, perhaps the past year, he has been short with me and not nice.  He even criticized me for criticizing him for being disrespectful to me when I pointed out that I am 30 years older than him and should not be treated rudely.  I just want an apology.

And…Daddy, the Larkspur house has been cleared out and is up for sale already.  Dan and I worked and worked and worked to clear out the house and so did Annabelle and Ben.  Instead of being appreciated we have been accused of doing something wrong by Billy.  He has even demanded we return two garage door openers since he lost his.  

Joel was broken hearted to learn his things had to be taken out of the Larkspur house so quickly.  You allowed him to live there while he was not touring with the ice show or working elsewhere.  It was his home.  Billy said at first it would take a while before the house would be put on the market, but then said that the lawyer advised him to sell it immediately, so we had to get Joel’s things out before January ended.  Joel did not even get a chance to say good-bye to the place he’d lived at for so long.

There was also a disagreement about what would be on the plaque on your grave.  Billy first told me it was okay to write anything I wanted about you, but when Lynnellen disapproved of what I came up with, Billy just stepped in and mirrored what was on Mom’s.  Daddy, I will never be able to visit you at Forest Lawn now since when I see your plaque, I will only remember Billy and Lynnellen attacking me for what I wanted your plaque to say. 

Daddy, this has all happened just too fast.  Why wasn’t I just given time to grieve?  Why, so quickly, does your estate have to go to probate?  Why do we have to divide what you owned up at all?  Why couldn’t we just continue to share?

I asked Lynnellen about buying the red kayak you bought her from her since she can no longer kayak.  In an angry text, with multiple exclamation marks, she said “No!!!!”  She says the kayaks will stay in Long Beach for use by her kids.  I offered to pay for a dock space so as a family we could continue to share the kayaks, but received no reply.  It was Lynnellen that encouraged me to try kayaking and it has given me so much pleasure and I will so much miss kayaking in the bay in Long Beach.  I remember you sitting by the water waiting for me as I kayaked.  I remember the photos you took of me as I did it.  I remember  you helping me put the kayaks away and getting them in the water too.  

One wonderful thing I learned after your death is that you left “The Condo” in Colorado Springs to me in your trust which was written in 1991!  Thank you Daddy!  That is incredible that you did something so sweet for me.  

When I read the trust, I also saw that in that 1991 trust that you gave my sister Lynnellen your mother’s house while Grandma Fannie was still alive.  I don’t understand that since I saw Grandma Fannie’s will and she willed her home to both you and Uncle Bobby.  I remember in 2014, before your brother died you told me you couldn’t see Uncle Bobby since you just didn’t know how to tell him that you gave his portion of his house away to Lynnellen.  How did that happen?  I just wish I knew since I was told by Shelley, his life companion, that he found out even though you never told him and the news caused him to wander in the streets of West Hollywood where he was found unconscious.  You never saw him alive again.  He died shortly after that and if it wasn’t for you getting him out of the morgue, he would have been left there.  Did Lynnellen push you into giving her that house?  I wish I understood this since that house meant something to our family since it had been in our family since you were a teen.  

It’s okay, Daddy.  I know you loved Lynnellen and would do anything for her.  In fact, you would do anything for your kids and grandkids.  You just loved us all so very much.  

Oh, Daddy, I love you.  I love these memories, but until the relationship I have with Billy and Lynnellen is healed, I will never be the same again.  What has occurred since you died has destroyed my soul.  I look forward, at this time, for any interaction with them to cease once your estate is settled.  Just knowing that that is the best solution has just caused me and my family so much pain.

No one told me that being your caregiver would mean that all the love I gave you was not appreciated.  No one told me that it would hurt so much after you died.

I love you so much Daddy.  Crying so hard now…I wish you could have stayed with me and my family forever.  Sending you hugs and kisses.  We miss you so much.

In another letter to you, I will just talk to you about the wonderful father you are and not talk about the painful relationship I have with your two other children.

Love, Kisses, Hugs, and More,

JO ANN