Letter to My Daddy - October 4, 2022

October 4, 2022

Dear Daddy:

I started online therapy this week and my therapist gave me and assignment to write you a letter.

I am so glad I took so many photos of you since I love seeing your smile so often.  I makes it feel you are still here.  I love you so much.

I just saw a photo of you at the Katella Deli last year and it was so precious to see how happy you looked in that photo.  I wish I could be at the Long Beach condo with you right now.  I miss going out to eat with you.  I miss you watching TV and waiting for me.  I miss hearing Turner Classic Movies in the background.  I miss making your bed and setting out your clothes.  I miss making you meals and washing your clothes.  I miss our walks together through Belmont Shore.  I miss going to Temple Israel with you.  I miss you talking to me about skating.  I miss your companionship and your advice.  I miss you sitting by the pool and dock waiting for me while I kayak.  I miss you reading books while you wait for me to ski.  I miss you thanking me for the meals I made for you.  I miss your love.  I miss your intelligence.  I miss the memories you shared.  I just didn’t know how painful losing you would be.  

I am not doing well in Colorado since I am reminded so much of a life that no longer exists.  I have thought of getting an Airbnb just so I could go to Long Beach again, but the pain may even be greater there.  I will go back to Sun Valley as soon as I can, but I have some things to do in Colorado first.

I am grateful that you got to be close with my children, but I am also so, so sad that now there is no relationship with my sister and brother and their families.  I feel like I’m divorced from them now.

I have been so depressed.  In the old days, before your dementia and Alzheimer’s got bad, you would always make things better.  There is no one like you there for me now.  

You were the best Daddy ever.  I am who I am today because of your love.  It is hard to go skating now, since you loved watching me skate.  You were always so proud of anything I accomplished.  You loved me with all your heart from the day I was born.  It is hard to face each new day.

I wish so much didn’t change so quickly.  I had no idea a year ago that my entire world and life would change with your death.  I miss our life together with you in Larkspur and in Long Beach.  Losing those places that gave us all so much happiness feels like more than just you died.  

How will I face the next year without you and the life we had with you?  Sometimes it feels so hopeless.

I miss you so much.

Love, 

JO ANN

October 6, 2022 Schneider-Farris Family Updates

I have been staying away from Facebook because I’m not sure at this time if it is good for me to be on social media.  There is just too many people who are my “Friends” on Facebook and it was becoming almost like work to keep up with so many lives.  I’ve discovered that through Facebook I also hear about deaths and loss more often than I am able to handle at this time.  

When I shared on Facebook in early September an update that said I was just so sad about the losses that have occurred in my life recently, it seemed that some of the comments were not helpful, so I decided it is best to stay away from Facebook for a while.  I am cautious to go back; it’s almost like kicking an addiction for me.  I think if I do go back, I’ll have to limit looking at Facebook to once a week or once a month or something.

The thing is I miss all those people that I have kept up with electronically.  I also miss posting photos of fun things I do.  Doing that gave me great joy.

So…instead…I will post a bit on this blog about my family’s activities.

At the end of May 2022, after spending a month in Colorado Springs with all three of my children, my husband, and my dog, my husband Dan and I decided it would be best for him to go to Long Beach to help his siblings take care of his 98 year old mother.

That of course was a good and necessary idea and shortly after Dan left for Southern California, I headed for Sun Valley.

And…to sum things up:  My summer in Sun Valley was the BEST!  Every day, every week, every thing I did there made me so happy!  My son Joel was in the ensemble cast of the Sun Valley On Ice summer ice show.  He skated every day and I skated a lot too.  I road my bike.  I hiked.  I road my scooter.  I swam.  I played tennis and pickle ball. I made friends.  We went to the farmer’s market every week and even made friends there!

Joel was in the ensemble cast of Sun Valley On Ice and taught some skating at the rink and worked at the Sun Valley hotel all summer and skated almost every day.  He rode his new electric scooter to work and to the rink.

Shorty’s Diner in Hailey, Idaho near Sun Valley

We went to every single thing that the Wood River Jewish community offered.  On Monday mornings, I ran the Zoom Temple Israel Long Beach New Testament From Jewish Point of View class.  

In late August, my friend Anne came to visit and that was truly a highlight of the summer.  

The last show Joel was scheduled to perform in was on the Friday just before Labor Day.  That was when a disappointment happened when both ice sheets in Sun Valley closed suddenly when the rink’s compressors went out.  The show was canceled, but also we learned there would be no more ice skating in Sun Valley until May or maybe April of 2023!

Joel and I decided it was best to go back to Colorado Springs so he could continue to skate and so I could skate when I felt like it.  So…in mid September, we left the Sun Valley paradise and drove back to the Springs.  

Joel skated at the ice rink in Provo, Utah on our way back to Colorado Springs - I wasn’t feeling well enough to skate

Before we left, even though I have been vaccinated four times, I came down with Covid and I was very ill.

I didn’t know returning to Colorado Springs would bring back so many painful memories though.  I may need to go back to Idaho where it seems easier for me to put a bandage on the wounds associated with grief.

Everywhere I go in Colorado Springs, memories of the past resurface.  Ever since I returned I’ve missed my dad more than ever.  

Annabelle moved to Boulder and I miss her.  She and her wonderful boyfriend Ben are loving Boulder and Joel and I will go see them soon.  Rebekah was in Japan touring with Disney On Ice all summer, but stayed in Asia after the tour and is doing research on elephants in Thailand.  Dan is needed in Long Beach to help take care of his mom and it looks like we won’t be in the same place for some time.  

So…it’s only Joel and Jo Ann and our dog Duchess in Colorado Springs.  Joel is skating every day and hopes to pass his last two gold dances soon.  (He passed the Quickstep and Argentine Tango in Sun Valley this summer!)

I had a really hard day on Rosh Hashanah since I miss my dad so much.  I also miss my friend Hellene who died and I hear her voice all the time.  She was like family and was just part of my life in Colorado Springs.

I am trying to make new memories in Colorado Springs and I’ve tried to take advantage of beautiful Colorado Springs.  Joel and I got to try out the new ice rink at Colorado College this past weekend and our dear friend Larisa joined us.  We go to Cheyenne Mountain State Park almost every day.  Today, we went up Rampart Range Road in Garden of the Gods and road our electric scooters up and then scootered down.

I may post this update on Facebook, but I’m not sure yet.