Letter to My Daddy - October 4, 2022

October 4, 2022

Dear Daddy:

I started online therapy this week and my therapist gave me and assignment to write you a letter.

I am so glad I took so many photos of you since I love seeing your smile so often.  I makes it feel you are still here.  I love you so much.

I just saw a photo of you at the Katella Deli last year and it was so precious to see how happy you looked in that photo.  I wish I could be at the Long Beach condo with you right now.  I miss going out to eat with you.  I miss you watching TV and waiting for me.  I miss hearing Turner Classic Movies in the background.  I miss making your bed and setting out your clothes.  I miss making you meals and washing your clothes.  I miss our walks together through Belmont Shore.  I miss going to Temple Israel with you.  I miss you talking to me about skating.  I miss your companionship and your advice.  I miss you sitting by the pool and dock waiting for me while I kayak.  I miss you reading books while you wait for me to ski.  I miss you thanking me for the meals I made for you.  I miss your love.  I miss your intelligence.  I miss the memories you shared.  I just didn’t know how painful losing you would be.  

I am not doing well in Colorado since I am reminded so much of a life that no longer exists.  I have thought of getting an Airbnb just so I could go to Long Beach again, but the pain may even be greater there.  I will go back to Sun Valley as soon as I can, but I have some things to do in Colorado first.

I am grateful that you got to be close with my children, but I am also so, so sad that now there is no relationship with my sister and brother and their families.  I feel like I’m divorced from them now.

I have been so depressed.  In the old days, before your dementia and Alzheimer’s got bad, you would always make things better.  There is no one like you there for me now.  

You were the best Daddy ever.  I am who I am today because of your love.  It is hard to go skating now, since you loved watching me skate.  You were always so proud of anything I accomplished.  You loved me with all your heart from the day I was born.  It is hard to face each new day.

I wish so much didn’t change so quickly.  I had no idea a year ago that my entire world and life would change with your death.  I miss our life together with you in Larkspur and in Long Beach.  Losing those places that gave us all so much happiness feels like more than just you died.  

How will I face the next year without you and the life we had with you?  Sometimes it feels so hopeless.

I miss you so much.

Love, 

JO ANN